If 22/23 Premier League Teams Were Cars

The 2021/2022 football season seems like a distant memory and for the first time ever in a World Cup year, the beautiful game has been absent all summer. Rejoice, however, as the new season is upon us. With 380 football matches on the horizon and the hope and ambition of fans around the country growing, the footy fans here at Scrap Car Comparison thought now would be the perfect time, for a not-so-serious look, at which cars are best suited to all 20 Premier League teams! No offence meant….

Arsenal = Audi TT

Adored in the noughties, the coolest kid on the block. Desperately attempting to rekindle the spirit of that era, with some intermittent success throughout the 2010s, but never quite as good as it used to be and very unreliable.

Aston Villa = Austin/MG/Rover Metro

The pride of the Midlands, you may have been told by someone with a love of this one. Excellent in the 80s and remained on the scene all the way through the noughties, before fizzling out entirely and ultimately being sold to Chinese owners. Fans are eager for a revival.

Bournemouth = 1996 Fiat Cinquecento

Small, mostly irrelevant but will turn a few surprised heads and raise some smiles every now and then. A lot of people will have a soft spot for them.

Brentford = Mini

A small fish in a large pond but shown to punch above their weight at times. Proved that they can compete with the big boys and attract attention from London to New York and everywhere in between (like, say, Denmark?)

Brighton = Nissan LEAF

A surprisingly nippy and exciting one that could beat anyone who underestimates its abilities. Struggles with longevity, however, often running out of energy before they reach their ultimate goal. Hard not to pick an EV for Brighton, too.

Chelsea = Range Rover

The ultimate ‘Chelsea Tractor,’ but as the rich get richer, this one has been usurped by those with even more money to spend.

Crystal Palace = Gen-6 NASCAR

Perhaps a bit harsh, but this one goes hand in hand with cheerleaders and eagles.

Everton = Mercedes-Benz B-Class

Family friendly with class and a prestigious name, but ultimately highly unreliable with a good chance of being in need of repairs for weeks on end.

Fulham = Chevrolet Impala Hydraulic Lowrider

Up, down, up, down, promotion, relegation, promotion…

Leeds = Vauxhall Corsa

Regularly driven at full throttle with no sense of danger until it all comes crashing down, usually well aware and unmoved by the fact that the general public don’t like them. 

Leicester = Nissan GTR

Doesn’t quite have the luxury of some others, but can beat absolutely anyone with the right person at the wheel. Popular with neutrals and underwent a facelift in 2015. Also big in Asia.

Liverpool = Ford Mustang

Extremely popular in its heyday, steeped in history. Went off the boil for a while but is making a comeback and even reaching out across Europe with mixed success. Still very much American at its core, though.

Manchester City = Bentley Mulsanne

A premium ride that’s all about luxury, but haunted by the Phantoms of bygone eras. Discontinued in 2020, meaning that you literally can’t buy class.

Manchester United = Saab 9-3 Aero

Dead for almost a decade. In fact, the last one ever made was supposed to be crash-tested but was forgotten about, perhaps a telling sign of wide-spread disorganisation and being unprepared for the future?

Newcastle = Gordon Murray Automotive T.50

Expecting a massive debut year, hoping to break onto the scene and join the elite with a remarkable product and a ridiculously excessive price tag. Even in 2022, still relies heavily on oil.

Nottingham Forest = Jaguar XJ-S

A classic that beat out European opposition in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, but a rare find these days. Fans will be hoping for a revival.

Southampton = Volvo V40

Good at revolutionising the industry with fresh ideas before sharing them with their competitors. Still decent in its own right but unlikely to stage many surprises performance-wise.

Tottenham Hotspur = Hyundai Ioniq 5

Essentially the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on wheels, in both visual appearance and eco-friendly behaviour. Performance just doesn’t live up to the flashy exterior, though.

West Ham = Ford Escort

Massive popularity back in the day, a real cult classic before disappearing in 2002. Revived with a very different look in the mid 2010s but hasn’t yet made an impact in Europe.

Wolverhampton = UMM Alter II

Portuguese-made but industrious in nature. Despite lacking the performance to truly tackle its elite competitors, it can throw out some surprises every now and then and navigate some rocky patches.

They think it’s all over… Well, it is actually. That’s all 20 Premier League teams allocated with ‘which car fits them best’ by the ‘experts’ at Scrap Car Comparison. If your team ended up with a car you’re not keen on, don’t take it too seriously. It’s just a bit of fun… Unless you’re a Manchester United fan. You probably haven’t experienced fun since 2013.

Or maybe you want to become your club’s biggest fan and get your hands on whichever vehicle we’ve given you? Go ahead and sell your old car with Scrap Car Comparison and we’ll get you the best prices in just 30 seconds. Our nationwide network of buyers will collect your car free of charge, no matter where you are in the country (or which team you support) so find out how much your car is worth as scrap or salvage and sell it today!

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